Pack Rat or Hoarder of Feelings

cWwkJeESo in purging and getting rid of things from 2015, because yes it’s been a shitty year, not the entire time but major events led it to be pretty shitty so I’m getting a head start. There are things I’ve come across that aren’t mine. To be totally vulnerable for a minute, I realized I still had things that belonged to my ex. They were tucked into a box, hidden behind a suitcase in my jacket closet. I opened the box and saw letters, cards, pictures and so on. Stuff that would make the next man say, “What you want this man or nah?!” Opps! Two things happened to me in that moment. One was burn everything because this person is sin! The other was I’m a pack rat and I want to keep it. The question then became why was I confused?

When we keep things from our past is that our way of holding on to them? Even if we create better memories and happier times, if in the past moment we felt wonderful, would it be ok to keep it? I have pictures and things from friends, who I no longer speak to. Even if we ended on a sour note, I still keep those memories and things. That wouldn’t mean I’m holding on to those friendships, right? So why is it that personal relationships are any different?

tumblr_nm8uwrLegW1u4v97go2_r1_400I have every single letter a boy has ever written me since I was 12! (if they try to call bullshit, I got you bro!) The only one I ever ripped was from my ex-husband before he moved out of our house. I got rid of it because I thought the letter was an excuse to cause me pain and I knew whenever I read it, it would trigger sad emotions. When it came time to get rid of the pictures I had from early on in my marriage, my new boyfriend and I had a rip fest! I was showing him pictures of me when I was younger and of course you know who showed up. He asked if I still wanted them. I smiled at him and said, let’s rip this shit. And we did. Then had pretty good sex later. But what happened in a few years was I left my Facebook open and he saw I still had pictures from a New Year’s party my ex-husband and I threw and it became a HUGE argument when he said to delete them. The pictures were private and no one could see them but me. It was an argument because I didn’t want to delete them. That was a happy time for me and honestly, I looked fucking amazing in those pictures!!!!

To answer the question when is it ok to permanently purge memories? When you’re ready. In anger you can do things to relieve yourself of pain, like burn things or toss them in the trash. In sadness, we look and wonder and live in the past. But in the calm, at least for me, I keep what made me happy and toss what doesn’t.  I don’t keep things that will trigger anger or regret. If I have it still, it’s because it still makes me happy, even if it was with a jerk.

isolated-box-of-clutterMy box of love letters by all those dudes expressed how amazing I was and am. Why would I throw them away? A friend of mine said that’s me holding on to them and she’s able to have that opinion but for me it represents love at different stages in my life.  It reminded me that I made someone feel so good that they penned me something lovely. Now do I speak to these people or throw back Thursday these dudes? NO! I barely wish them happy birthday on FB haha. Still, I keep them and pictures because I like to see myself smile and someone smile with me. Those are memories that I want. Now if I’m reading them every night and hugging pictures before I go to sleep, someone please pack up my things, drop my dog at my sister’s house and send me away to a mental institute with my cat cause that shit crazy!

Waiting for my WCW


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